The Confessions of a Trapeze Artist
Well, okay…I’m not a trapeze artist, but I have been swinging on a pendulum like I’ve got circus skills! The other day, I realized that I have jumped from one extreme in an area of my life to another.
I have gone from being an 18-year-old who disliked herself so much she threw herself into the cycle of binging and purging, to being a 39-year-old who discovered a whole side to her she never knew existed, and actually liked. This was such a great change! Only God’s grace can accomplish the transformation someone needs in their life. Furthermore, He loves us enough not to leave us where we are currently at, because “He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6)
As an artsy-farsty hippy chick, I found that I not only find expression on a blank canvas but also in my wardrobe. I have found the ability to put articles of clothing together than I never saw as good partners before. Colors and textures were brought together in ways I never realized I could make happen, and I loved it!
Over the last year, I have been planning my fun and funky outfits for functions outside of my workplace, and it was a horrible thing if I couldn’t find one piece of that outfit! One missing thing, and the whole outfit and plan would be out the window. I have spent so much time putting together other backup outfits and then I would get ready. So, I fuss with my clothes, fuss with my hair, fuss over which jewelry to use, and then I find myself running behind, and I still have to get shoes on and brush my teeth, and “OH! NO! I forgot about dinner! Guess I’m not eating ‘til I get home!”
The last couple of months something new has begun to happen. When I fussed over my appearance, just the right outfit and how good I felt about all my effort, Holy Spirit has begun to whisper to me, “Hey, are you going to a prayer meeting or a beauty pageant?” After hearing these words, I would quickly finish up and leave the house.
So, what happened? Isn’t it better to love yourself than hate yourself? I mean even Paul exhorts husbands “...to love their wives as they love themselves...because no one hates their own body” (Ephesians 5:28-29). So, obviously it's okay to love yourself. There had to be something I was missing.
I had a conversation with a friend a few days ago about the struggles of finding worth and identity in clothes and how we looked. I confessed to her that I have been struggling with that very thing! It really began to sink in what I was doing. I was wasting precious time (God’s time, really) when fighting with my closet and my mirror.
I told myself last week, “Okay, Garrison, you have 2 minutes to get ready for the day, function, hangout time with friends, etc.!” I began to realize last Sunday during worship at church, we sang the lyrics, “Be lifted up! Be lifted higher…” I immediately said to the Lord, “Be lifted higher than my wardrobe. Be lifted up higher than my self-image.” Then Tim Glasgo exhorted the room and shared about lifting Jesus higher than anything else in our lives, encouraging and inviting each of us to come kneel up front to give Jesus whatever it was that was higher than Him; let me tell you, I was the first one up there! I was challenged to make some changes, to put things down, even remove things from my life.
I am looking at my efforts, my talents and gifts, my self-image, and how lack of balance in this area of my life has distracted me from following Jesus. Maybe not wholly. I love Him, I commune with Him, I know I am on track with Holy Spirit, but I’m asking for so much more. I want so much more. So, I have taken stock of this situation and have settled on the mindset that I am willing to lay it all down so I can have the “more” my heart truly desires.
I am reminded of Philippians 3:7-11, “But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His suffering, being confirmed to His death if, by any means, I may attain resurrection from the dead.”
We, as the Body, need to strip away the excess to make room for the Presence. For me, personally, I needed lay down the bling and glam, cut out the time I spend making myself look good for people so I can spend MORE time making my heart right before my Father and King. Holy Spirit is so right: I am not signed up for a beauty pageant, and I’m not signed up for a popularity contest!
This does NOT mean I can’t allow my creativity to flow through what I wear, it means that my focus on pleasing His heart and doing all things for my audience of One, Jesus Christ, needs to be my One thing that captures my heart and affections; it means that my load is lighter so I can “press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:12-14)
I can clearly see that the side of the pendulum I was swinging on was toward a nasty little spirit called Fear of Man with his buddy, Performance. My bought with eating disorders was rooted in the lie that I wasn’t good enough the way I was. My obsession in my wardrobe was rooted in the lie that I had to not only express who God created me to be but prove it to others that I was a legit, creative hippy girl. Concerned with what people thought of me, whether I felt good about myself or couldn’t even look myself in the mirror, I was really buying into the mindset of performance and fear of man. If I didn’t perform well or look good, I wouldn’t be liked, and I would be judged negatively.
I know am not the only one who struggles with this, and therefore, it needs to be addressed. Maybe it’s not in how you look, but how you sound when you sing, preach, or play your instrument. Maybe the need to perform comes up in work, and you feel you have to prove yourself to your boss and coworkers. There are many in the Body of Christ who battle these lies and mindsets.
Let me assure you that if you identify with this you are not alone, my friend! Let me also give you hope...You do not have to remain stuck in shame and guilt, performance and perfectionism. You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:9).
I can be a funky, hippy chick, but first and foremost, I have to live in a place where I am not swinging between self-hatred and love of self. Both are out of balance and both take my focus off of Jesus because both of these are rooted in man-pleasing, not King-pleasing. We have not been called to please man but to serve God (Galatians 1:10) and expand His Kingdom (Matthew 28:19-20).
It is time to get down from the trapeze and begin walking out what it means to be fully loved and accepted just because we are His, and nothing but pursuing His heart to first love Him and shine amongst the lives of those around us matters. It is time we walk in the knowing that we are loved and fully accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6), and nothing can ever change that (Romans 8:38-39)!
Love,
Tania Garrison